Prenups are for lovers

I was at a friend’s wedding playfully sparring with the bride’s grandma over her grandkid’s “God-Awful Prenup”. I found myself dispelling some myths about autism as we knocked back a French 75, an Old Fashioned, and a Blanton on the Rocks. She told me later that she didn’t really know what prenups do, or that they’ve become so modern.

I’ve been practicing Family Law since 2012 and I’ve learned that most people think that prenups are blueprints for getting divorced, but they’re wrong. It’s proof that their relationship was strong enough to work through a tough conversation and still want to be married. Yes, for some people it might feel painful but, like the insulin pump on my arm, sometimes the pain means you get to taste something sweet.

1: Prenup Couples are happier

The magic of a prenup isn't the signed paper you stick in a safe. It's the excruciating process of getting there. It's a relationship stress test. It forces you and your partner to sit down and get "financially naked” (the third best kind of naked) and discuss the business loan you’re too embarrassed to mention or how much you've spent on cyber security for your 1/16th of a bitcoin. Financial disagreements are a top predictor of divorce, but most couples avoid talking about money until it explodes into a fight. A prenup makes you have those talks now, in a calm, structured way.

Couples who can get through this are about to have better levels of communication. It actually reduces anxiety. Knowing there's a plan in place for the worst-case scenario frees you up to focus on the good stuff. But the real God-Awful truth is that every fight a prenup-less couple has will end with both of them thinking, "Am I staying in this marriage out of love or because I don’t want to lose my vinyl collection." You'll know, for sure, that you're both sticking it out because you actually want to be together, not because you're scared of losing your assets.

2: Dumb Prenup Myths

• Myth 1: Prenups are for billionaires. This is the biggest lie. The truth is, prenups are for anyone with student debt, a side hustle, or a rescue dog they'd fight over. Over 60% of lawyers are seeing a huge spike in millennials asking for prenups.. They marry later, have their own careers, and maybe a mountain of student loans they don't want to saddle their partner with. They’re not for hedge fund managers and socialites, they’re for everyone.

• Myth 2: Asking for a prenup means you don't trust your partner. Wrong. It means you trust your relationship enough to have the hardest conversation now, when you're a team, instead of later with expensive lawyers (I'm reasonably priced) yelling at each other over a video call. It's no more a plan for divorce than a will is a plan to die. It's a plan for the "what-ifs" of life so you can stop worrying and focus on spending the entire year planning out your Halloween Costumes.

• Myth 3: It's unfair and only protects the rich one. A one-sided prenup is an unenforceable prenup. It's important to understand that a prenup must be fair and equitable. In New York, a court can set aside an agreement if it is found to be 'unconscionable,' meaning it is grossly unfair and one-sided, or if it was signed under duress. A good prenup protects both people. It can even be used to make sure the partner who takes time off to raise kids is compensated for missing out on the money they'd be making.

3: NY State is the Oprah of Prenups

The State of New York has a "default prenup" for you in its domestic relations laws. If you get divorced without a prenup, a judge will divide your assets according to the principle of 'equitable distribution.' This doesn't always mean a 50/50 split. The court will consider various factors, and the outcome may not align with what you and your spouse would have wanted (i.e. the judge may split your LaBubu’s incorrectly). A prenup allows you to make these decisions for yourselves.

A formal prenup is your chance to take control. It moves the power out of the hands of some judge and puts it in yours. You and your partner get to write your own rules, tailored to your actual lives, instead of being stuck with a one-size-fits-all plan from the state.

4: What prenups do & don't do

It can

Define what's yours, mine, and ours: It can clearly state that the condo you owned before the marriage, your 401(k), or your family heirlooms (like your Mom's Energy Crystals) remain your "separate property". It can also define how you plan to divide what you consider shared "marital property”.

Handle debt: This is huge for millennials. A prenup can make it crystal clear that your partner's student loans are their problem, and your credit card debt is yours.

Decide on spousal support (alimony): You can agree on an amount, a duration, or even waive it completely, taking one of the biggest and ugliest fights off the table in a potential divorce.

Protect your business: If you're an entrepreneur, a prenup is non-negotiable. It can shield your business from being torn apart in a divorce.

Protect inheritances: It can add a layer of protection to make sure family money stays in the family.

It CANNOT:

Decide child custody or child support: A court in New York will always decide custody and support based on the "best interests of the child" at the time of the divorce. You cannot pre-determine this.

Dictate personal stuff: Clauses about who takes out the trash, what religion your kids will be, or if your household will root for the Jets or Giants.. This is a financial document, not a lifestyle contract.

5: Not your Parents' Prenup

Bring up any of these to your boomer coworkers to watch their heads explode

• The "Social Media Clause": You can actually put in a clause that says your ex can't post humiliating photos, videos, or information about you online if you break up. You can even set a price for damages if they violate it.

• Digital and Intellectual Property: In a world of crypto, NFTs, and side hustles, a prenup can define who owns the digital assets. For creatives and influencers, it can protect your personal brand and intellectual property from being split up.

• The "Pet-Nup": For many of us, our pets are our children. New York law is starting to catch up, and judges now have to consider the "best interest" of the family's “best friend” in a custody dispute. A "pet-nup" clause lets you decide ahead of time what the visitation schedule would look like, and who pays the vet bills for your teacup Maltese/Poodle Mix.

Conclusion: Prenups are for lovers!

After I lawyersplained this to the Bride’s Grandma she said she wished she had had a prenup with her husband. I said “it's not too late for a postnup” and she goes “it isn't? Even if he's spent the last 10 years in a coffin?” It was a great wedding.

Deciding to get a prenup is a significant step, but it's one that can strengthen your relationship and provide you both with peace of mind. If you're considering a prenuptial agreement, I encourage you to seek legal advice to understand your options.

For a free consultation HMU at 347.669.3256 or office@attorneyjaybrowne.com

This is not legal advice and nothing in this blog should be considered a substitute for legal advice or as a consult from a professional and qualified attorney. This blog is informational purposes only.